By Ryan R. Nolan
Authorities are looking for answers following the alleged
break-in and shoot-out at a Twinkie factory in Natick , Mass.
It happened early this morning around 3:05 EST when officers
responded to a disturbance call at the factory.
"The guy came strolling out of the front gate with
boxes and boxes of Twinkies," recalled Office Sherman Wilson, a first
responder to 'Twinkie Ground Zero.' "Next thing I knew, he just started
shooting and my partner was down."
"It was a mess. There was cream filling
everywhere."
The Natick
incident is just another in a series of Twinkie-related absurdities.
In New York City ,
a man was admitted to the State mental institution after he was found in an
alleyway wearing a suit made out of discarded Twinkie wrappers and saying over
and over again "Where did all the Twinkies go?"
In Texas
a man calling himself 'Twinkie the kid' ransacked a convenience store and
demanded all of their Hostess products. When the owner refused, a subsequent hostage situation resulted in the deaths of seven people.
According to the Center for Disease Control, the abnormal
spike in behavior may be the result of a condition they refer to as "acute
frosting withdrawal."
"We have been warning about the affects of Twinkie-withdrawal
for years," said Dr. Mark Sommers, a research analyst in the CDC's Cream-Filling
Division. "These few incidents were caused by AFW. They are not isolated and unless we get some more Twinkies, quick, there will be more violence."
"It's the Twinkie-pocalypse!" said a random guy
eating a burrito covered in whip cream. "The Mayans warned us! They warned
us!"
"We are taking every precaution," said Gen. Simon
Thomas. "All known Hostess products have been rounded up and are being
stored in a secured facility which only I will have the key to."***
President Obama said that FEMA resources are being set aside
to assist in all Twinkie-related catastrophes and he urged that residents in
the designated "cream-filling chasms," report any frosting
emergencies to 1-800-TWINK-MERGENCY.
***Editor's note: Just
before this article went to press, Gen. Simon Thomas was killed and ripped to
shreds by his own men.
