Spike in violence linked to Twinkie withdrawal, CDC says

By Ryan R. Nolan

Authorities are looking for answers following the alleged break-in and shoot-out at a Twinkie factory in Natick, Mass., that left a police officer and one very large man dead.

It happened early this morning around 3:05 EST when officers responded to a disturbance call at the factory.

"The guy came strolling out of the front gate with boxes and boxes of Twinkies," recalled Office Sherman Wilson, a first responder to 'Twinkie Ground Zero.' "Next thing I knew, he just started shooting and my partner was down."

Wilson returned fire and killed the assailant.

"It was a mess. There was cream filling everywhere."

The Natick incident is just another in a series of Twinkie-related absurdities.

In New York City, a man was admitted to the State mental institution after he was found in an alleyway wearing a suit made out of discarded Twinkie wrappers and saying over and over again "Where did all the Twinkies go?"

In Texas a man calling himself 'Twinkie the kid' ransacked a convenience store and demanded all of their Hostess products. When the owner refused, a subsequent hostage situation resulted in the deaths of seven people.

According to the Center for Disease Control, the abnormal spike in behavior may be the result of a condition they refer to as "acute frosting withdrawal."

"We have been warning about the affects of Twinkie-withdrawal for years," said Dr. Mark Sommers, a research analyst in the CDC's Cream-Filling Division. "These few incidents were caused by AFW. They are not isolated and unless we get some more Twinkies, quick, there will be more violence."

"It's the Twinkie-pocalypse!" said a random guy eating a burrito covered in whip cream. "The Mayans warned us! They warned us!"

"We are taking every precaution," said Gen. Simon Thomas. "All known Hostess products have been rounded up and are being stored in a secured facility which only I will have the key to."***

  

President Obama said that FEMA resources are being set aside to assist in all Twinkie-related catastrophes and he urged that residents in the designated "cream-filling chasms," report any frosting emergencies to 1-800-TWINK-MERGENCY.

***Editor's note: Just before this article went to press, Gen. Simon Thomas was killed and ripped to shreds by his own men.